The Best Man's Speech
Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you. I should say first of all that I'm picturing you all in your underwear...are those leather, Matt?!
It was hard to write a speech. I wanted to be intelligent, eloquent and witty, but unfortunately it's turned out a little bit blue! [Pulls a piece of blue paper out of his pocket] So we'll see how we get on. Just to echo Matt, I want to do a few quick thank yous. Firstly to the beautiful bridesmaids, the ushers, I've not really had a lot to do today other than dig around clumsily in my pocket for some rings. To the parents, family, friends, and I think most importantly, some of my dearest friends and probably the people we're all here to see tonight, the bar staff. Just one little housekeeping thing, Matt's asked me to point out that we're all seated by what wedding present we bought the happy couple. So it's thanks for the napkins I think over there, if you can hear me [points to far corner of room]. Matt's a fantastic guy, which has made it a real pig to write a speech about him and try to diss him. All I was getting from friends and family was, "He's such a good boy, such a good boy", so it became a bit of an obsession to either stir up or dig up trouble. Every time that I've seen him I've tried to get him in trouble, and I'm doing my bit; he's on his final warning with Teri in terms of sleeping on our sofa without telling her, so I'm very proud of that. The next time, who knows what'll happen! We even chose our next house by the sofa comfort - he's a big lad! |
But anyway, I thought I should look back in time to try and stir up some trouble. When I first met Matt he was about that tall [points to waist height], because he was sat down. Sorry, I've got three pages of this! But I had to go back to his roots, back to Yorkshire, to his upbringing. I was delighted that his family were more than happy to help me try and drop him in it.
So as we've said, Matt was a good boy, he was a very caring boy and he wanted to look after everyone and those things around him. He showed that when he stole his mother's wedding ring and buried it in the garden, which was nice. So Teri, you'd better watch out. Get the garden paved!
But Matt also had a wild side, which from what I can see was an early passion for extreme sports. Base-jumping, when he fell off a fence. I'm digging, I'm digging! Off-roading, when he drove a scooter through a hedge. And the one that really impressed me, escapology, when he wedged his hand in an oven door for an hour, which was good!
So anyway the years rolled on, oven door repairs probably got more and more expensive with inflation, and he went off to university. Now I'm told that before he met Teri (I've got to read this bit - 'cos Matt wrote it), 'Matt was a total pulling machine, and the best looking guy at uni'. Apparently his main technique was inviting ladies back to watch a certain DVD, so I'm hoping Teri's seen Old School otherwise we're in trouble!
So that was Uni, and then Matt moved South to Reading, in search of money and success. He actually worked at the same company as a few of the guys here, including Sam my fiance, that's how I came to meet him. I can remember our first words, it was a beautiful moment outside a pub - "Alright". And at that moment the bond of friendship was sealed forever. So Matt and I have become good friends over the years I'd like to think, mostly through the normal disciplines of drinking and football. You might not realise that Matt is known as 'Angry Matt' on our five-aside football team. I'm not sure whether that's just because they don't understand what he's saying or whether that's the Yorkshire fire in his belly, who knows.
Of course, Matt proposed in Machu Picchu as we've heard (hello to you guys over there!), and this was done under the moral and spiritual guidance of a llama standing next to him I believe. Now, Alan (that's the llama) was due to be the Best Man, but unfortunately due to Visa problems it wasn't possible. So one night in Reading, myself and Matt were out and we'd had a few pints and four or five Jaegerbombs, which is just as an exciting drink as it sounds for those of you that don't know. So Matt turns to me and he says......well that's the bit we don't remember! And it took the next day for Teri to say to me, "So Johno, fantastic news, that's great. Are you excited?!" And finally I twigged, so thank you for asking me, it's been a real honour. As Matt said, I asked him to be my Best Man recently, and I was determined to avoid any of this awkward confusion that we'd had when he asked me. You know we're all mature, open adults, so I sent him an email.
But anyway here we are today at the marriage of Matt and Teri, North and South, gravy and Lambrini. And it's the moment you've all been waiting for - the end of my speech. I'd just like to finish with a short reading from an old love poem I found online. It's a very old poem called Sometimes.
Sometimes, I feel like, throwing my hands up in the air. I know I can count on you. Sometimes, I feel like, saying Lord I just don't care. But you've got the love I need to see me through.
Ladies and Gentlemen please be upstanding for a final toast to the Bride and Groom, to Matt and Teri!
So as we've said, Matt was a good boy, he was a very caring boy and he wanted to look after everyone and those things around him. He showed that when he stole his mother's wedding ring and buried it in the garden, which was nice. So Teri, you'd better watch out. Get the garden paved!
But Matt also had a wild side, which from what I can see was an early passion for extreme sports. Base-jumping, when he fell off a fence. I'm digging, I'm digging! Off-roading, when he drove a scooter through a hedge. And the one that really impressed me, escapology, when he wedged his hand in an oven door for an hour, which was good!
So anyway the years rolled on, oven door repairs probably got more and more expensive with inflation, and he went off to university. Now I'm told that before he met Teri (I've got to read this bit - 'cos Matt wrote it), 'Matt was a total pulling machine, and the best looking guy at uni'. Apparently his main technique was inviting ladies back to watch a certain DVD, so I'm hoping Teri's seen Old School otherwise we're in trouble!
So that was Uni, and then Matt moved South to Reading, in search of money and success. He actually worked at the same company as a few of the guys here, including Sam my fiance, that's how I came to meet him. I can remember our first words, it was a beautiful moment outside a pub - "Alright". And at that moment the bond of friendship was sealed forever. So Matt and I have become good friends over the years I'd like to think, mostly through the normal disciplines of drinking and football. You might not realise that Matt is known as 'Angry Matt' on our five-aside football team. I'm not sure whether that's just because they don't understand what he's saying or whether that's the Yorkshire fire in his belly, who knows.
Of course, Matt proposed in Machu Picchu as we've heard (hello to you guys over there!), and this was done under the moral and spiritual guidance of a llama standing next to him I believe. Now, Alan (that's the llama) was due to be the Best Man, but unfortunately due to Visa problems it wasn't possible. So one night in Reading, myself and Matt were out and we'd had a few pints and four or five Jaegerbombs, which is just as an exciting drink as it sounds for those of you that don't know. So Matt turns to me and he says......well that's the bit we don't remember! And it took the next day for Teri to say to me, "So Johno, fantastic news, that's great. Are you excited?!" And finally I twigged, so thank you for asking me, it's been a real honour. As Matt said, I asked him to be my Best Man recently, and I was determined to avoid any of this awkward confusion that we'd had when he asked me. You know we're all mature, open adults, so I sent him an email.
But anyway here we are today at the marriage of Matt and Teri, North and South, gravy and Lambrini. And it's the moment you've all been waiting for - the end of my speech. I'd just like to finish with a short reading from an old love poem I found online. It's a very old poem called Sometimes.
Sometimes, I feel like, throwing my hands up in the air. I know I can count on you. Sometimes, I feel like, saying Lord I just don't care. But you've got the love I need to see me through.
Ladies and Gentlemen please be upstanding for a final toast to the Bride and Groom, to Matt and Teri!